


Cor Contritum quasi Cinis

by blue_pointer



Series: A Glorious Retelling [8]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Timeline, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Episode: c01e038 Echoes of the Past, Heartbreak, Jealousy, M/M, Marquesian, Miscommunication, Mistakes, Omens, Pining, Post-Break Up, Regrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Sulking, Temper Tantrums, Unrequited Love, Vax's own personal raincloud, Vaxmore, bisexual disaster vax'ildan, fickle mooncalf, good thing nothing bad happened after this, i said what i said, when being a bisexual disaster causes problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: 24 hours after breaking up with Gilmore, Vax goes into a downward spiral.
Relationships: Asum Emring & Shaun Gilmore, Keyleth & Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Shaun Gilmore & Sherri, Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan, Vax'ildan & Vex'ahlia (Critical Role)
Series: A Glorious Retelling [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975831
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Cor Contritum quasi Cinis

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Some suicidal thoughts occur within the angsty ramblings of Vax's brain. Do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.

**My Broken Heart in Ashes**

Vax had made a terrible mistake. He’d gone and told the man he loved that the two of them could no longer be together, because he was in love with someone else. 

It had been stupid. **He** was stupid. Why was Vax so stupid?

He’d gone and pushed away the only person he **knew** loved him--apart from Vex, who naturally did not count. And why? What had it accomplished? 

Vax couldn’t get the look of heartbreak on Gilmore’s face in the bar that night out of his head. Vax had _hurt_ the man he loved. 

And for what? An awkward confession of unrequited love which Keyleth had said she was too tired even to discuss with him? Why? Why had Vax done it? Gilmore was the one party in all this mess that had done nothing wrong, and yet he was the one who had been harmed. And that killed him. Vax couldn’t stand the thought that he’d hurt Gilmore. 

Vax had said he felt he needed to be honest. But why? Gilmore had never asked Vax to be exclusive; in fact, the words in Vax’s oft-read letter made it very clear that Gilmore had given Vax the freedom to do whatever his heart desired. The two of them had never laid out any sort of terms for their relationship; in fact, that had been half the fun of it: not knowing what might happen next. 

But Vax hadn’t thought of that. High on the anxiety of his unaccepted love confession, he’d chosen to make a grand gesture...of utter folly. And now it was too late. 

Stupid. He’d been so stupid.

Since that night Vax had so very nobly told Gilmore to piss off out of his life, things had gone straight to hell. For the second time in as many weeks, Vax had nearly died. And for what? A few scoops of some dead dragon’s treasure for his sister? Yet another cursed object that might kill one of them at any moment? Had they been worth his almost dying?

And Keyleth, she could hardly look at Vax now. Which made working together so great. Also, something was wrong with Grog. Ever since Percy had given him Lord Briarwood’s sword, he’d been acting strangely even for Grog. And now the goliath was obsessed with that damned skull.

Vax had tried. He really had. But he saw no point anymore. If Pike was never coming back. And Grog hated him to his very guts. And Percy never left his workshop. And Scanlan kept shitting in his bed. And Keyleth did not want his love, nor even believe Vax’s confession had been sincere, then what was the point? Why were he and Vex still here, risking their lives for these...assholes?

To Vax, it felt like high time the two of them should leave. Return to the way things used to be when it was just them against the world. At least Vex never questioned his love for her. And she wouldn’t let him push her away, either.

It hurt.

The worst part of all this was that Gilmore was the friend Vax usually turned to after a near-death experience. Just talking to Gilmore had always made him feel better. And now Vax couldn’t even do that. Sure, Gilmore might have said he’d still be there for Vax, but he’d clearly just been being polite--Gilmore had impeccable manners. Unlike Vax.

He spent the night alone with his dark thoughts, stalking the upper slums for any sign of Kynan. Speaking of which, that was another thing Vax had royally fucked up. Sitting on the roof overlooking the butcher’s shop reminded Vax of the night he’d fallen asleep here and woken up in Gilmore’s bed. The memory made his eyes water; Vax couldn’t help it. 

Gilmore was...amazing. He’d helped Vax, even healed him of the Briarwoods’ influence, and asked for nothing in return. Gilmore only ever said nice things to Vax--unlike his so-called friends in Vox Machina. Gilmore was generous; he had paid for all of their drinks two nights ago, and provided a Heroes’ Feast on demand, something that was not cheap, as Vex’ahlia had commented many times. 

So why had Vax felt compelled to reject him, in public and before witnesses, no less? Had he been hoping to impress Keyleth? To prove his love? By doing what? Shattering something precious just to show he was serious about her? It hadn’t even worked! 

Feeling masochistic, Vax withdrew Gilmore’s letter from its secret pocket inside his cloak, and read it again. By now, Vax didn’t need light to see the words. He’d read it so many times, he’d committed it to memory. The parchment was creased and worn now from the number of times Vax had folded and unfolded it.

He swiped at his eyes a little, feeling ashamed and angry. He was so stupid. Vax didn’t deserve to be with someone as kind and generous as Gilmore--or someone as pure and innocent as Keyleth, either. Vax was utter shite and he didn’t deserve anything good. He should probably just kill himself and get it over with. But then who would look after his sister?

Gripping the precious letter in his hand, Vax got a crazy idea. But was it really crazy? After all, Gilmore had said… “Gilmore,” Vax said his name softly, so as not to give away his hiding place. But he heard nothing. Vax waited a few moments longer, but there was no answer. “Gilmore?” He was a wizard, after all; was it so strange to think Gilmore might have a way of knowing when someone spoke his name aloud? Hot teardrops were rolling down Vax’s face. “Please. I could really use a friend right now.” But there was no answer. 

By morning, there was still no sign of Kynan at his father’s house. Watching as the butcher set about opening shop for the day, a wild urge came upon Vax. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe Vax could fix this. If he could only talk to Gilmore, alone, he could take it back. Maybe it wasn’t too late for Vax to take it all back. 

Never one to deny a wild hair once it got up his arse, Vax stealthed across rooftops all the way to Abdar’s Promenade with Haste. He only came down to street level and revealed himself when he was within sight of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods. As he approached, Sherri came outside to post the sale sign showing whatever specials they were running today. His sense of urgency and desperation overcame him at the sight of her, and Vax ran toward her, calling out, “Sherri! I’m here to see Gilmore. Where is he? Is he awake yet?” In his overenthusiasm, Vax even grabbed her arm. “Can you tell him I’m here?” 

At first, she jumped, clearly not expecting someone to come sprinting toward her this early in the morning. Then Sherri recognized him, jerking her arm out of Vax’s grasp with a cold look. His heart plummeted. Oh gods, did she know? Had Gilmore told her about the breakup? Did Sherri hate Vax’s guts now, too? “Please,” Vax begged. “It’s important.” 

Sherri did not answer him at first, instead turning to walk back inside the shop. Vax followed close at her heels, like a starving puppy. Once she was safely back behind the counter with Vax held at bay on the opposite side, Sherri spoke, choosing her words carefully. “Gilmore...is in Westruun. Setting up the new location.” She looked up at him then, and Vax was 12/20 sure she was not telling him the whole truth. 

“Alright.” He decided to call her bluff. “Can you send him a message for me, then?” 

Sherri sighed, bringing out some of the special arcane messenger parchment. “What message do you want me to send him?” From the look on her face, Sherri didn’t want to send Gilmore any message at all. 

“Tell him--” He’d only just begun, and already Vax was at a loss for words. What could he say to Gilmore--through Sherri, no less--that could even come close to conveying all of the things he was feeling right now? It seemed an impossible task, but Vax had to try. He took a deep breath and began again, “Tell him…”

When he trailed off the second time, Sherri surprised him by picking up where Vax had left off. “Tell him you’re sorry?” she suggested, her clipped tone even sharper than usual. “Tell him you were lucky someone like him ever had eyes for an ungrateful, self-involved guttersnipe like you? Were you thinking of something like that?” 

There was a pregnant pause as Vax’s guilt threatened to drown him. “I never meant to hurt him,” he said, voice hoarse. 

“Well, then I guess everything’s forgiven!” Sherri declared. “If you don’t _mean_ to hurt someone when you tell them you’re not interested in them anymore, then there’s no harm done!”

Vax could feel his lower lip start to tremble. “I never said that.” He couldn’t have told Gilmore he wasn’t interested in him anymore, because that would have been a lie. “Look, I really am sorry,” he mumbled. “For what it’s worth.” Vax hurled his body out the front door before he shed tears in front of someone who clearly loathed him. Vax supposed he deserved it. 

*

When Vax’ildan was well away, Gilmore’s voice drifted out from just behind the beaded curtain. “You shouldn’t have been so harsh with him, Sherri dear.” 

Sherri grunted, slamming the ledger book on the countertop. “I said what I said.” That boy did not deserve her master’s love or devotion. He was little more than a filthy flea, and he had the nerve to reject someone as glorious as Gilmore? Outrage, that was what she felt. Sherri nurtured it on Gilmore’s behalf, because he was far too kind to feel it for himself. 

*

His vision blurred as Vax ran headlong out of Gilmore’s, and he collided hard with a smaller body just a few yards away from the shop. “Fuck! I’m sorry,” Vax apologized, quickly swiping the moisture from his cheeks and pulling his cowl down to hide his face. “I’m an asshole. Truly sorry.” He turned to get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible. 

“Young Master Vax’ildan?” a familiar accented voice asked, making Vax look back. 

“Seeker Assum?” What was he doing here? “Have you come to arrest me or something?” Vax slowly reached to his belt for one of his daggers. 

“Not at all!” Assum assured him. “I am merely delivering some invitations for the emperor. In fact, Greyskull Keep is on my list for later--”

“That’s wonderful,” Vax cut him off. “You didn’t see me; I was never here.” 

“Alright,” Assum said, no doubt making his own conclusions as to why Vax wanted to remain unseen. 

“And if you were planning on going in there,” Vax nodded back toward Gilmore’s, “you may want to rethink your plans. Sherri’s in a right mood this morning.”

*

“Is that so?” Assum was sure the young rogue meant to disappear into the ether with that ominous warning. But his own more experienced gaze followed Vax, watching as the half-elf’s shoulders suddenly slumped and he slouched away like the fickle mooncalf he was. 

_“What in the Soul did you say to the poor boy?”_ Assum asked, entering Gilmore’s Glorious Goods as soon as Vax was out of sight. 

Gilmore smiled sadly, offering Assum his morning cup of coffee. “Sherri is feeling overprotective,” he replied in Common. 

_“Fortunately, Sherri did not see you weeping your great salt tears openly before god and man last night,”_ Assum said in Marquesian. _“Or she may have taken the boy’s balls for a souvenir.”_

 _“I was drunk,”_ Gilmore said. _“Besides, I’d never have allowed that._ ” 

_“You are a kind man,”_ Assum told him. _“With a generous heart and the best Marquesian coffee in Abdar’s Promenade.”_ He raised his cup to Gilmore in appreciation.

*

Vax returned to the butcher’s shop, but he wasn’t really keeping watch anymore. If Gilmore had told his shop assistant about Vax dumping him, who else had he told? Did the whole damn world hate him now? Perhaps Sherri just had a crush on her boss, and out of jealousy had taken what Vax had said to Gilmore especially hard. Well if that was the case, then Sherri should be happy now. Vax had forsaken his claim to Gilmore, such as it was. Now Gilmore was free to engage in whatever sort of relationship he wished with anyone else who might be interested. The thought sat very sour with Vax. He did not like the taste of it at all. 

Wait, what if Sherri knew because she’d seen Gilmore upset? What if he’d come home two nights ago, heartbroken, and Sherri felt like she had to protect him now? To keep Vax from trying to come back into his life and hurting Gilmore all over again?

He really was a sack of shit. Sherri was right. Vax didn’t deserve to be around Gilmore at all anymore. Not after what he’d done. 

In spite of admitting he was a terrible person, Vax spent the afternoon hiding in view of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods, watching for any sign that Gilmore had returned from Westruun. Or maybe Gilmore was still here; maybe he hadn’t been away at all this morning. Perhaps Sherri had lied to keep Vax at bay--she’d certainly been lying about something. 

Maybe Vax didn’t deserve to see Gilmore again, but he just couldn’t give up trying. Something inside of him was desperate to see Gilmore one last time. Even though Vax still had no idea what he would say to him when he did. 

Eventually Vex'ahlia, Keyleth, Percy, Scanlan, **and** Grog actually came to the promenade looking for him. Vax was exasperated. Couldn’t they just leave him be for 24 hours? He decided it was best to leave the area in case his sister managed to use their twin powers to find him. As he stealthed past Keyleth, she seemed to sense he was there, and called out to him. “Not now, Kiki,” he whispered before hurrying off. Seeing her made him even more depressed. Vax had thrown away something precious for her, and she didn’t even care. He slunk back to the keep, defeated. 

When Vex'ahlia came back to her room and found Vax sitting on her bed, she gave her brother an earful. Seeing she really had been worried, Vax told her part of why he’d disappeared. Laid out all the doubts he was having lately about staying with Vox Machina. He couldn’t tell her the rest, about how much he regretted rejecting Gilmore, how Keyleth hadn’t even wanted to hear about Vax’s feelings for her. It was too stupid. Vax didn’t want to burden Vex'ahlia with all of that. 

Apparently they were supposed to dress up for this big thing Uriel had invited them to. Well Vax honestly couldn’t give a fuck right now. For Vex'ahlia’s sake, he put on a different cloak, but he didn’t bathe first. Honestly, who cared? Grog and Scanlan, apparently, because the two of them had gone on ahead without Vax, Percy, and the girls.

Vax nearly lost his mind when they ran into Scanlan and Grog on the way there, each of them holding one of Gilmore’s elbows. Vax was hurt, and not just because Gilmore looked so fucking beautiful. His waist-length locs were twisted up in an intricate pattern of knotwork on top of his head, the better to show off the fashionably high collar of Gilmore’s robe. His eyelids and brows shimmered in the sunlight, a new cosmetic effect which reflected different colors of the sky when Gilmore turned his head. And the robe he wore was so blue, it almost hurt Vax’s eyes to look at it. The fabric shimmered, clinging to Gilmore’s body in certain key places as he walked, smiling and carrying on with Grog and Scanlan like he hadn’t a care in the world. 

Vax felt like his soul was on fire. He hated this. Gilmore should be laughing with _him_ like that, not Scanlan or Grog. Worse still, when Gilmore’s eyes fell on Vax, his cheerful mood sobered immediately, his smile dissipating. Vax felt helpless as Gilmore quickly found an excuse to disappear into the crowd rather than spend a single moment in Vax’s company. 

_Well fuck you,_ Vax thought. _And fuck me, too._

Vax found it hard to care about anything after that. He felt sick. The city could have come under siege by an army of dragons, and he would have hardly noticed. 

**Author's Note:**

> And then it did.


End file.
